Saturday, June 25, 2011

Spidery things.

I have never been what one would call 'neat'. Quite in fact, I don't think I've ever cleaned my room without being forced by my parents. I find that wading through a sea of clothes and, quite possibly, a few dens of mythical creatures, make my life exciting. (How else would I have conquered that dragon last week?) But the other day, I woke up, looked about the Sea of Crap, and frowned. I mean, when the dragons nesting in your room are becoming angry with the mess, perhaps it's a sign that you should tidy it up a bit.

So says the dragon that formerly lived amongst a pile of CD's and videogame controllers.

So, I finally decided, against my better judgement, to clean my room.
The magical things that were unearthed cannot be described in words. Remember the scene in The Hobbit where Tolkien describes Smaug's lair, and the mound of treasure he slept upon? Sort of like that, but with Holy Relics, too.
Nieriel and I always joke that, if in the fact that I ever tidied my room, that I would find not only the Ark of the Covenant, but also the Holy Grail and Jesus. Just chillin' in my room. Waiting to be found by someone brave enough to venture into the Sea of Crap. (I haven't been smited just yet, so bear with me for the time being.)
But, in the gloom of the deep, murky Sea, I came across not another dragon or sea serpent... but an arachnid of sorts.
Unlike my father, I don't have a distinct fear of spiders, but they still make me uneasy. (Probably because of reading Tolkien at such an early age...)
I was equipped with only a vacuum and a can of lemon Pledge. I chose the lemony freshness spray.
My enemy slumbered inside the shadows of my closet, watching me with its multiple eyes, just waiting patiently for me to move in for the kill.
I knelt down beside my eight-legged foe, and aimed the mustard-yellow Pledge bottle in its direction.
I pressed down the trigger. Maniacal laughter erupted from the creature that was now me. I grinned evilly as the tiny creature writhed underneath the force of the spray of lemony wood polish.
Pleased with my accomplishment, I stood and turned to leave, when I caught something, just for a moment, out of the corner of my eye.

A small, wax-coated spider, scuttling up the wall of my closet.

I sprinted across my room and grabbed my only other weapon: the Dyson vacuum.
With a final war-cry of "DIE, YOU SON OF A DOG." I aimed the hose at the waxy pest and sucked it into the barrel of dusty doom.

Immediately thereafter, however, an obnoxious and unyielding sense of guilt washed over me. That poor spider was probably guarding my room from the infestation of summer insects that would have most likely crawled out of Hell to kill me in my sleep! HOW COULD I?!
I mean, LOOK at this little guy:

HE'S ADORABLE!!
HOW COULD I END THE LIFE OF SUCH A HUGGABLE LITTLE CREATURE?

I'm going to go cry myself to sleep now.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

A Story about the Bolsheviks....

For Father's Day, the present I gave my awesome, guitar-playing, X-Men-obsessed Daddy was a story I wrote about the Bolshevik (Russian) Revolution of 1917.
The prologue of the story, which I am sharing with you, spins the tale of Konstantin, a seventeen year-old peasant revolutionary in Moscow. In this section, Konstantin and his friend, Ermolai, are witnessing a rally led by Lenin. Please excuse my poor Russian, as I used a translator.
Enjoy, and comment, if necessary. :3


"Comrades! Gather!" The man's voice was loud, menacing. He stood on a makeshift soapbox podium, his black felt overcoat stained at the bottom with dirt and salt. He had a weathered face, pockmarked at the chin, though covered with a wispy black goatee, being the only hair he had. He wore a pair of black trousers that were much too large for him and beaten up brown boots. His shirt was torn at the bottom and hastily tucked into his belt–the tie around his neck knotted improperly. A queer sight, he wore a brand new Ushanka atop his bald head. He went by the name Lenin, and led the Bolsheviks, as they called themselves. As menacing as Comrade Lenin was, he was a short little man, hardly threatening at all had he not been standing above the Serfs of Moscow.
            Konstantin shoved his way through the buzzing crowd, tripping over his own dragging trousers through the blackened slush along the alley, his friend Ermolai close on his heels. Melting ice seeped through Konstantin's worn boots, numbing his already cold and blistered feet. "Damn it all," Konstantin mumbled, kicking slush off his boots and accidentally knocking an old man in the rear. "Oi, watch it!" The elderly man grumbled, cursing in Russkii.
            "Konstantin, podozhdite!" Ermolai called, sidling against his friend as they huddled for warmth to hear their leader speak. Konstantin coughed and sniffled, catching the horrid stink of the people around him. None had bathed in God knows how long. The closest Konstantin himself had come to a warm bath in the last several months was when he was caught in a rain storm.
            "Yebut the Czar, eh, Konstantin?" Ermolai grunted, shivering. "Making us live in this filth for years..." Konstantin shivered, too. His thin coat and tattered Ushanka no longer kept him warm; On the contrary, it made him even colder. Ermolai had the blessing of pure luck. He had a paying job, and could easily afford to buy his family food for the winter when he worked.          
            Konstantin was the polar opposite. He supported himself and his ailing mother on a measly salary and could barely make ends meet. He could afford rations for he and his mother, and could always take the ax and go chop the trees for firewood, but Konstantin's life was a poor one. Never changing.
            "Yebut the Czar..." Konsatantin murmured, rubbing his numb hands together. Ermolai kicked the slush at his feet and hacked, spitting at his feet. Konstantin could have cared less about Lenin's speech tonight; Any other night, he would have been rioting and cheering with his fellow Bolsheviks, but tonight was just too cold. His hands were numb, his nose too painful to breathe through; His teeth chattered endlessly. All he wanted was to return home to try and light a fire to keep warm for the night.
            Snow fell lightly upon the heads of the Serfs, and Lenin finally began to speak. Ermolai raised his fists and cheered as the bearded Revolutionary called out his plans for the Mother Land.
            "Comrades, listen!" Lenin bellowed. "The Czar has ruled Mother Russia for centuries under an iron fist! The land is ours! We, the poor–the hungry–the cold–the sick–the dead!" He pointed out towards the crowd with each word. "We have lived in poverty for far too long, my friends!" The crowd roared. Ermolai cried out, "Yebut Czar Nicholas and his swine of a wife!" Everyone around Konstantin and his eccentric counterpart exploded in cheers and battle cries for the Mother Land. Lenin himself turned to Ermolai and nodded.
            Konstantin had never before seen Ermolai grin as wide as he did that night. For the next week, Ermolai talked about his deep, intellectual conversation with Comrade Lenin, though everyone knew as well as he that Ermolai was illiterate, just like every other Serf in Moscow.
            As the duo trudged home in the brutal cold, Konstantin and Ermolai passed by a recently abandoned liquor store. Estranged, frozen bottles of vodka and wine littered the windowless building. Konstantin eyed the liquor nervously. He could just take it and sell it to a nobleman, given the chance. Ermolai saw his friend ogling the bottle and stopped. "You want it?" he said. Konstantin shrugged. "Of course I do. I could sell it." he said, rubbing his already raw nose with his old wool mittens. Ermolai cocked a thick black eyebrow. "Then take it. Nobody cares anymore, moĭ drug." he said, nudging Konstantin.
            Konstantin was always the more sensible of the two. Ermolai was always so incredibly impulsive, almost to the point where Konstantin wanted to vomit. Anything Ermolai wanted, he managed to get; Clothes, alcohol, women. He had this bizarre way of fooling people into thinking that giving him whatever he wanted would make their lives better. He once managed to haggle a pair of obuvʹ off of an old blind man during one of the earlier Bolshevik rallies. 'He didn't need them,' Ermolai had told Konstantin. 'He's blind, never leaves that spot on the wall. What the hell does he need them for?'
            Konstantin shivered and shook his head. "Net, Ermolai. Just leave it. Like you said, nobody cares for alcohol anymore." he said. Ermolai rolled his eyes and sneered. "You may not want it, but I do." he said, stepping through the broken windowpanes and emerging with three unmarked bottles of wine and vodka. He quickly stuffed them into his jacket lapels and the two kept walking.
            Konstantin looked at his friend. Ermolai was still shorter then he was, at least by 5 inches, though that would never change. His thick black brow stretched all the way across the bridge of his nose, making it look like someone had painted a black line over his face. Stormy grey eyes rested underneath, always sarcastic and sinful. His long, crooked nose always had made him look like a bird. A falcon, perhaps. He wore a size 13 shoe, which made his feet look remarkably disproportionate from the rest of his body.
            Ermolai's eyes eventually wandered over and found Konstantin's. "What are you staring at?" he asked. Konstantin coughed uncomfortably. "N-nothing." he said, looking away.
            They reached Konstantin's home after a few more minutes of walking. Ermolai handed over one of the bottles of wine. "Give it your mat." he said. "She might want it." Konstantin clapped Ermolai on the shoulder and nodded in thanks. "Spasibo," he said. Ermolai nodded and popped and cigarette between his chapped lips. "Do you have a match?" he asked. Konstantin dug into his coat packet and fished out his matchbox. He handed one over and watched as Ermolai lit his cigarette and let a thick cloud of smoke leave his lungs. "Come out tomorrow, Konstantin." he said as he handed Konstantin back his matchbox. "I hear Comrade Lenin has something vazhnyĭ planned." Konstantin nodded and coughed again, this time violently. "I'll try, moĭ drug." he said, wheezing. Ermolai gave Konstantin a strange look, almost that of concern, if that were possible. "Get inside," he ordered. "Light a fire. I can't have you die before we take out the Czar!" Konstantin smiled and bid his farewells to his friend.
            He watched intently as Ermolai walked back down the road, unscrewing the cap of one of his vodka bottles and taking a swig every now and again. When he could see Ermolai no more, Konstantin entered the shack that he called home.
            His mother Nadya lay in her bed, head resting against a hay-stuffed pillow. "Privet, Mat." he said, removing his ushanka and hanging his coat on the chair by the fireplace, where a fire slowly died, the flames licking the sides of the charred bricks, clinging to life in the cold. Konstantin knelt in front of the fire and added some tinder, stoking the flames with a wrought iron poker. The flames began to dance freely among the small fireplace, lighting up the tiny two-roomed house. Konstantin rose and greeted his sickly mother with a kiss on the forehead and pulled her blanket up to her chin. Nadya smiled, her bony, yet still beautiful face glowing. Konstantin silently chuckled. "Hungry, Mat?" he said, grabbing the loaf of bread from the morning and breaking it in half. "Net, Konstantin." she said, coughing. "You go ahead and eat, you're a growing boy." Konstantin frowned. His mother certainly needed the strength more than he did. His mother sensed his frustration and waved her hand. "Don't you worry about me, dorogoĭ, eat up." Konstantin stuck his ration of bread onto the fire poker and held it amongst the flames, melting the ice and toasting the middle. He watched, entranced as the flames grabbed at his supper. He missed the warmth of a spring day in Moscow. He missed the sun, the warmth beating down upon his skin, the greenery surrounding the grand city, the roses and tulips sprouting out of the window boxes along the broken windowsills of Konstantin's neighborhood.
            A vicious gust of icy wind blasted through the cracks of the door, making Konstantin shiver. His mother shuddered and pulled another blanket over herself, then drifted off to sleep. Konstantin pulled his supper out of the fire and topped it with the last of the margarine. What he missed the most was the taste of meat. In the spring, Konstantin was able to sell more goods, work more because of the pleasant weather. He was able to buy meat for he and his mother. His prayed to God every winter that he would be able to buy decent food for his family, though he knew it was all in vain.
            Konstantin slowly savoured his bread and margarine before going to bed. Ever since his mother had taken ill, he had shared the bed with her, just in case. He sat on the edge of the mattress and removed his wet boots, setting them by the fireplace to dry. He tucked himself in next to his mother and held her close, feeling her heartbeat in sync with his. 

What does it take to give a child a good book?

Today, I was going to write a post about how my summer vacation has started. I was going to write about the lovelies of summer, no school, no homework, NO FINALS TO STUDY FOR.
I was planning to write something AWESOME.
But then I saw the preview for Breaking Dawn.

Really, Hollywood? Really?

Does sending out messages to young girls that having an abusive partner that borderline rapes them seem reasonable? Young kids that are reading and/or watching Breaking Dawn are going to think that everything that happens in the story is acceptable material.
Now, I'm not saying that everyone reacted the way I did to Breaking Dawn, but when I read it, I clearly remember having my jaw drop in shock after reading the chapter of Bella and Edward's "wedding night".
I would assume that I'm not the only one?
Whenever I see someone reading a book from the Twilight Saga, I cringe. And not just because it's Twilight, but because out of all the great books in the world, that person chose to read Twilight.
A lot of people use the excuse of "At least they're reading! Chill out, it's just a book!"
No. In my opinion, the book that they are reading is nothing more than a very lonely woman's sexual fantasy. Young girls' minds are being warped by Bella's stupidity, and those girls can quite possibly grow up to follow her example, which I am not okay with.

I spend much of my free time either in my local Free Library or in the Barnes & Noble near my house. I have seen kids as young as 7 years old and lonely women in their sixties fawning over these fictional characters (namely, Edward or Jacob) as if they were real people. Talking about them as if they were right there, listening to them speak. You'd think that the adults reading this would set a good example for the little ones by restricting the book until they're a bit older (and could most likely have enough sense not to read it).

Continuing on that statement, what scares me the most about Twilight is definitely the fanbase. Don't get me wrong; I'm a fan of a HUGE amount of fiction. (Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Doctor Who, etc.) I can get pretty crazy with the amount of love I have for those stories. But will I go so far as to try and murder those who don't have similar tastes as mine?
Now, I'm not sure if this is simply an internet rumour, or if these several cases are true, but I have read on several occasions that there have been attempted murders as a result of mentally unstable Twilight fans attacking non-Twilight fans. [link]
The worst of it all is that Stephenie Meyer has refused to speak about any of this.
Instead, she decides to hide behind the shadow of her brother, Seth, so she doesn't face any criticism. (Oh, poor Shmeyer. Can't handle a little slap on the wrist, can she?)

As a former Twilight fan, I am ashamed to witness the fans act the way that they do. They can love the series as much as they want, but to go to such extremes just to get someone to love a book series is simply ludicrous. (Hey, I'm a Doctor Who fan. You either love it or you hate it. I know plenty of people who don't like the sci-fi show, but I also know a good deal of people who adore it, just as I do).

Is there a way to show fine literature to young kids and teach them to love stories that have changed so many lives before them?
Yes.
KEEP TWILIGHT AWAY FROM YOUR 7 YEAR OLD.

(I can understand if your child wants to explore different books if they adore reading, but there has to be restrictions on what they read at such a young age. If they want to move onto large chapter books, go ahead and let them! Give them awesome books to read! Just be careful as to what your letting them read.
Harry Potter is acceptable for young kids, up until The Goblet of Fire, as it becomes rather dark from that point on).

Anyway.

I detest Twilight.
Have whatever opinion you want on the series, just don't bring it up around me, or I will go on a full blown rant. (Much similar to this one).

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Movies that scare me.

It seems inarguable that whenever a person such as myself decides to watch a horror movie, things go wrong.
I immediately perceive every little sound and shadow passing through my house is in a fact a raving, bearded lunatic with a butcher knife coming to murder me while I shower. I have also been known to mistake an innocent little fox as the Jersey Devil at 2 in the morning.
It is a little known fact that I actually enjoy horror movies, but I rarely watch them, because I scare myself to the point of covering myself with my comforter like a two year-old. Nothing seems to turn out okay after I force myself to watch a horror movie.


The strange part about all of this, however, is that I try to force this blatant and incredible fear onto my friends and relatives. I, who cowers like a child and hides under a freaking blanket whenever the wind changes direction, tell my comrades to try this. I tell them that these films are not in the least bit scary, and yet I am the one who needs counseling after a brief encounter with a faceless demon on a computer screen.

This is where expectations converge with reality.
Say that you buy some cake mix or something.
EXPECTATIONS:
REALITY:



When I watch a horror movie, this is what happens. Except instead of milk, sugar and eggs, it's substituted with blood, stalking, and scary noises that make me pee my pants every single time.

I believe that it is karma, rearing its ugly head at the fact that telling your friends about scary things almost always leads to you being forced to cower under your sheets from Gorgons.

In retrospect, I probably shouldn't have been left alone with a complete library of horror movies...





Thursday, April 21, 2011

I hate Martha Stewart.

Even though she gave a free mini-convectional oven, she made me wear yellow.

Let me start over...from the very beginning. 

A few months ago, I went through quite a nasty break-up with a boy who I found out cared more about every other girl in our school than he did for me. I won't go into details, as it is still quite painful to recollect, but I will say that he's a total wanker. Anyway, two days after said break-up, My mother, Aunt, and cousin dragged me out of my house at 5 AM to go to New York City with them for a live taping of the Martha Stewart Show. I had known about it for weeks, as it was a present for my Aunt Karen, but there was one small catch to the entire deal: I had to wear yellow. I hate yellow. It is not my colour. But Martha seems to think that it is the colour of happiness. My colour of happiness is black. I like black. Not yellow. Yellow is evil. Like octopi, only worse. If I were to put the two together, it would look like this:

That is the spawn of my two greatest fears.
Strange phobias aside, the trip was...eventful.
At 5 AM, My cousin Chrissy and my Aunt Karen picked up my Mom and I at our house, and we were on our way. I tried to sleep for about an hour, but my mom decided that she was going to sing 'Born This Way' by Lady Gaga every single time it was on the radio, which was, in total, about 7. Within an hour.

Mom: "Baby, I was born this WAAAAAAYYYY!!"
Me: "MOM. SHUT. UP. PLEASE."
Mom: "Silence! Eat your Chex Mix!"
Aunt Karen: "You mean MY Chex Mix..."
Mom: "I'M BEAUTIFUL IN MY WAY, CUZ GOD MAKES NO MISTAKES...!!"
Me: "MOM, STOP!!!"
Chrissy: "ALL OF YOU SHUT THE F**K UP, I'M TRYING TO DRIVE!!"

Jump ahead about 2 agonizing hours of boredom in a tiny car, and we were in the city. What I stupidly forgot to remember as I was getting out of the car with only my leather jacket, was that it was 23 degrees Fahrenheit   on that fateful morning.
So, as us three were standing outside the Martha Stewart studio, freezing our butts off in the NYC weather, we watched as Martha's zombie-like crew came outside and tried to make us happy with promises of a heated studio. Y'know what would have made me happy, Martha? Some freaking hot chocolate or some tea. I could care less whether your precious little studio was heated or not, there was another hour before we could even enter the building AND I WANTED SOME DAMNED HOT CHOCOLATE.

But you never fulfilled my request. You decided that our little handsies didn't need some nice knitted mittens, and our little heads didn't need wool caps with eight-dollars-an-ounce glitter and that OUR GROWLING TUMMIES DIDN'T WANT A NICE WARM BEVERAGE.

But, Martha, I am forgiving. So I drew you a picture.

I hope you like it. I tried my very hardest.

But, as the frigid morning progressed, and our sniffles subsided, you decided--out of the goodness of your Craft Queen heart--that you would permit us entrance to your studio...

...Where we waited for another hour while being 'entertained' by your crew.
We were instructed on how to applaud and respond to the moment correctly when we were on the air...

...Which led to the church giggles.

Yes, the Church Giggles. Everyone gets them. When you're laughing inappropriately hard at an inappropriate time, and you know you have to stop, but whenever you do try to stop, you laugh even harder.
I was the victim of the Church Giggles on the Martha Stewart Show. And it wasn't during a commercial break. It was during the LIVE FREAKING TAPING. 


Here's how it happened:
After the first 30 minutes or so on air, everything was going smoothly. We were all enjoying ourselves, Martha was smiling (thankfully) and I saw a guy with an eyepatch. Pretty normal, yeah? No.
Not normal at all.

As the show was coming to a close, Martha decided to bake some salmon in a mini-convectional oven (of which each audience member was sent home with) and we were instructed to say, in unison, "MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM....."
Like that scene in Young Frankenstein, only stupider.
I refused to do it, as did my mother, aunt and cousin, so my aunt Karen decided to give my Mom a look.

Y'know kind of look where you know something's funny, but you don't know if you're the only one that thinks it's hilarious, so you look at someone else for closure, so they start laughing? Yeah. That one.

As my mom and aunt laughed obnoxiously, I tried to get them to stop, which was of no consolation... So I started laughing.
The entire Martha Stewart crew surrounded us like hawks circling road kill.

"SHHH!"

"SHUT UP!"

"Please be quiet, ladies."

"You guys have such a dirty sense of humour!"

"PLEASE STOPPPPPP....!!"


All things were said to us as we laughed uncontrollably and painfully, trying desperately not to let the almighty Martha see us. If she did, she didn't acknowledge us, but was probably pissed. If she didn't, well.... I'm lucky to be alive.

So, basically, I went to NYC, went on the Martha Stewart Show, wore yellow, laughed until I cried, almost got kicked out, and won an oven.

But that's not all.

After the show, Chrissy drove us into Chinatown and Little Italy, where we had a nice Italian lunch and then went shopping, where a small Asian women tried to kidnap Chrissy and I by selling us purses. (But I'll have a post about that later.)

Until then, I abruptly end this post.

As always, this is Lónannûniel, signing off. 






Friday, March 25, 2011

Adventure #1: A Book Signing of sorts...and Sour Gummi Smiles!


         Yeah, see these things? *points up* They're freaking delicious. You can get these dastardly little smiles at the Dollar Store and live in pure bliss for the rest of your life.
          If I were stranded on an island and all I had to eat were these jawns, I'd be happy. Screw time-travelling to the seventies, moving an island, dodging flaming arrows, avoiding polar bears and a queer cloud of black smoke, I DO WHAT I WANT. *snaps fingers*
....To any Lost fan who didn't get that, you have been hereby shunned by me.
          Nevertheless, I have something to share with all of you today. Here, from MY VERY OWN COMPUTER, I am going to spin you a tale of adventure. There'll be thrills! CHILLS! Your very mind will implode from the sheer GREATNESS that is...well, a Book Signing in Philadelphia.
          I live in the 'burbs of the City of Brotherly Love, but I am rarely ever in the city itself. However, last week, a dear friend invited me to accompany her to a book signing at the Philadelphia Free Library. The author in question was the incredibly hysterical Sherman Alexie, the author of The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian. I had read the book a few years ago in my English class, and my friend (We'll call her Nieriel) and I-along with her little brother and his friend- were sent on a quest by our former English teacher to get his copy of the book signed.
         Well, we had to take on the damned quest, then, didn't we? We couldn't deny the man who inspired our love of writing!
         Nieriel's mother picked me up at my Super-Secret Elven Spy Headquarters on her white stallions and our Fellowship tore off into the sunset, galloping wildly into the City of Old.
         We left our old mares in the stables and journeyed off into the cobblestone streets, our Ranger's cloak's billowing behind us as we toured the Cathedral of St. Peter and Paul, took photos around the Franklin Institute, and eventually backtracked to the Library, where Nieriel and I admired the collection Tolkien and Anne Rice novels until one of the miniature Rangers in our Fellowship (namely, Nieriel's brother) summoned us to the ceremony. Unfortunately, as we were ogling the novels in the building, the tiny auditorium filled up with UNWORTHY ORCS, forcing us to migrate upstairs to watch Mr. Alexie's panel on a screen while we sat in uncomfortable metal chairs, which the author pointed out rather bluntly.

Sherman Alexie: "Oh, yeah, I forgot! HI EVERYONE UPSTAIRS!! *waves*"
Audience: *applauds*
SA: "YOU SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN HERE EARLIER! It's SOOOO awesome down here... The chairs are so comfortable! ...AND WE HAVE SNACKS!"

Thank you, Mr. Alexie, for pointing out our tardiness.

Anyway, the panel was, in a word, uproarious. Naturally, Nieriel and I did not expect in the slightest for the panel to be somewhat of a stand-up routine.
Thanks to Mr. Alexie's comedic fodder, there are now EVEN BETTER lame inside jokes between Nieriel and I.
***IF YOU ARE READING THIS, MY FELLOW RANGER, I'M SAYING "MOOSE" EXCEPTIONALLY LOUDLY WITH MY HANDS ON MY HEAD***
As the panel went on within the hour-and-a-half, it seemed to us that Mr. Alexie's humourous attitude was pulling him off track. As he explained how the novel was semi-autobiographical, he began sharing a story about how his grandfather was a hero in the Second World War. Sadly, he died in combat, leaving Mr. Alexie and his family no idea of what he had done for the US. This idea came up a lot during his discussion, and a lot of us wondered why, seeing as it had presumably nothing to do with the novel or his writing career. Then, as the final five minutes approached, Mr. Alexie spun a tale of his appearance on the Oprah Winfrey Show where Oprah herself gave him his grandfather's medals from the war, which none of his family had known about. I could have sworn I saw the author tear up a bit when he finished.

After the panel, as Nieriel and I chilled up our melted hearts by running around looking for a public toilet (and her little brother) we waited in line for about 20 minutes to get our books signed. As we approached the booth, Mr. Alexie smiled, greeted us, and asked who he was signing the book to.
When we told him it was for our former English teacher, he smiled and laughed, saying, "Woah, cool. Sounds like a rock-star name." He then signed it and looked at my glow in the dark Frankenstein T-Shirt. The conversation was as follows:

SA: "AWESOME SHIRT, Kid. Frankenstein!"
Me: "Oh, thanks, it glows in the dark!"
SA: "NO WAY."
Me: "YES WAY."

Then, I walked a way. (Heh, get it? A way? ......I like puns.....)

Smashing, wouldn't you agree? I think so.
Right.
Good.
On we go.

*ahem*

So concludes the first written adventure of this rabid teen adventurer's blog. More to come soon, so no need to fear! ADVENTURE IS HERE!

...Yes, I realize that was lame. Don't hate.

Until next time, I remain your fledgling Ranger, Lónannûniel.


 

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Literary Nostalgia, and reasons why I hate Twilight. (Now with more Sodium!)

SWEET JESUS! MORE SODIUM?!

Yes, more sodium. You need it.

*ahem*

To put it simply, I loathe Twilight.  More than loathe...detest? Abhor? Am allergic to? Whatever the synonym, Twilight is something that I used to adore, but now hate. Why, you ask? Well, I'll tell you. Snuggle up to the fire and grab your steaming mug of chocolate, Anti's, I've got some stories for you.

First of all, I'd like to acknowledge that I did enjoy Twilight once in my short life. During my life in junior high, I enjoyed the series about as much as any other. I had the posters, the shirts, the charms, the books, the DVDs, everything. You name it, I probably had it.
But then I read 'it'.
You know of which novel I speak. The final book.
I have tried to thoroughly wipe the memory of the book title from my mind, so I will refer to it simply as 'Soy Sauce'.
Now, when I first read Soy Sauce, I was jumping with Twi-Hard joy. I'm pretty sure I frightened my eighth grade History teacher to the point where he was ready to send me out into the hall to reflect on my insanity. (Which, in retrospect, he should have done.)
Nonetheless, I was hugging my copy of Soy Sauce close to my bosom for about a week or so, squealing with joy, until Bella's demon spawn was born. (Was she even born? Renesmee burrowed through her Sue of a mother's uterus until her Daddy nommed her out...)
In any case, I was horrified. Soy Sauce completely shattered my opinion on the series...for a while.
I decided to re-read the series to see any of the inaccuracies that I may have (did) miss.
Encountering more than 6 per page, I slugged back to school to explain my hatred to my literary friends. Needless to say, I was walloped on the noggin with a copy of The Outsiders by a dear friend, who had always thought Twilight was vomit-inducing. (Smart lady).

But, to soften your adorable little eyes from reading about my painful past, here's a list of why I hate Shmeyer's so-called 'work'.

15 Reasons why Erin hates Twilight:
1.) Bella Swan is Stephenie Meyer. 'Nuff said.
2.) The amount of spelling, grammatical, and scientific errors is unthinkable. (Sparkles, anyone?)
3.) Edward Cullen is an abusive partner. (Cutting Bella's brakes so she couldn't see her friends? C'mon now.)
4.) Are Bella's parents just oblivious to her actions, or are they just morons? (Her father is Chief of Police, you'd think he'd know where she was half the time!)
5.) Sparkles.
6.) Jacob Black never wears clothing from the waist up.
7.) Bella Swan has set back feminism to the 16th century. (I'm sure her idol is Anne Boleyn. I think Bella would oblige to the guillotine after birthing [?] a female demon spawn, seeing as Eddi-kins would have no male heir, wouldn't you?)
8.) *cough* Sparkles.
9.) Foreshadowing.
10.) The word 'chagrin'.
11.) *cough HACK* Sparkles.
12.) Bella's a hussie.
13.) Does Edward ever shower? Ever? No? Well, there you go.
14.) Nobody cares how Bella makes a grilled cheese sandwich. NOBODY.
15.) I was fool enough to enjoy it as a young'un.

Well, dear readers, there you go. For future safety, please do try not to pick up a copy of Soy Sauce, as it has permanently damaged my already warped psyche.

 Until next time, this is your ever-faithful blogger, signing off. *salutes*