Let me start over...from the very beginning.
A few months ago, I went through quite a nasty break-up with a boy who I found out cared more about every other girl in our school than he did for me. I won't go into details, as it is still quite painful to recollect, but I will say that he's a total wanker. Anyway, two days after said break-up, My mother, Aunt, and cousin dragged me out of my house at 5 AM to go to New York City with them for a live taping of the Martha Stewart Show. I had known about it for weeks, as it was a present for my Aunt Karen, but there was one small catch to the entire deal: I had to wear yellow. I hate yellow. It is not my colour. But Martha seems to think that it is the colour of happiness. My colour of happiness is black. I like black. Not yellow. Yellow is evil. Like octopi, only worse. If I were to put the two together, it would look like this:
That is the spawn of my two greatest fears.
Strange phobias aside, the trip was...eventful.
At 5 AM, My cousin Chrissy and my Aunt Karen picked up my Mom and I at our house, and we were on our way. I tried to sleep for about an hour, but my mom decided that she was going to sing 'Born This Way' by Lady Gaga every single time it was on the radio, which was, in total, about 7. Within an hour.
Mom: "Baby, I was born this WAAAAAAYYYY!!"
Me: "MOM. SHUT. UP. PLEASE."
Mom: "Silence! Eat your Chex Mix!"
Aunt Karen: "You mean MY Chex Mix..."
Mom: "I'M BEAUTIFUL IN MY WAY, CUZ GOD MAKES NO MISTAKES...!!"
Me: "MOM, STOP!!!"
Chrissy: "ALL OF YOU SHUT THE F**K UP, I'M TRYING TO DRIVE!!"
Jump ahead about 2 agonizing hours of boredom in a tiny car, and we were in the city. What I stupidly forgot to remember as I was getting out of the car with only my leather jacket, was that it was 23 degrees Fahrenheit on that fateful morning.
So, as us three were standing outside the Martha Stewart studio, freezing our butts off in the NYC weather, we watched as Martha's zombie-like crew came outside and tried to make us happy with promises of a heated studio. Y'know what would have made me happy, Martha? Some freaking hot chocolate or some tea. I could care less whether your precious little studio was heated or not, there was another hour before we could even enter the building AND I WANTED SOME DAMNED HOT CHOCOLATE.
But you never fulfilled my request. You decided that our little handsies didn't need some nice knitted mittens, and our little heads didn't need wool caps with eight-dollars-an-ounce glitter and that OUR GROWLING TUMMIES DIDN'T WANT A NICE WARM BEVERAGE.
But, Martha, I am forgiving. So I drew you a picture.
I hope you like it. I tried my very hardest.
But, as the frigid morning progressed, and our sniffles subsided, you decided--out of the goodness of your Craft Queen heart--that you would permit us entrance to your studio...
...Where we waited for another hour while being 'entertained' by your crew.
We were instructed on how to applaud and respond to the moment correctly when we were on the air...
...Which led to the church giggles.
Yes, the Church Giggles. Everyone gets them. When you're laughing inappropriately hard at an inappropriate time, and you know you have to stop, but whenever you do try to stop, you laugh even harder.
I was the victim of the Church Giggles on the Martha Stewart Show. And it wasn't during a commercial break. It was during the LIVE FREAKING TAPING.
Here's how it happened:
After the first 30 minutes or so on air, everything was going smoothly. We were all enjoying ourselves, Martha was smiling (thankfully) and I saw a guy with an eyepatch. Pretty normal, yeah? No.
Not normal at all.
As the show was coming to a close, Martha decided to bake some salmon in a mini-convectional oven (of which each audience member was sent home with) and we were instructed to say, in unison, "MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM....."
Like that scene in Young Frankenstein, only stupider.
I refused to do it, as did my mother, aunt and cousin, so my aunt Karen decided to give my Mom a look.
Y'know kind of look where you know something's funny, but you don't know if you're the only one that thinks it's hilarious, so you look at someone else for closure, so they start laughing? Yeah. That one.
As my mom and aunt laughed obnoxiously, I tried to get them to stop, which was of no consolation... So I started laughing.
The entire Martha Stewart crew surrounded us like hawks circling road kill.
"SHHH!"
"SHUT UP!"
"Please be quiet, ladies."
"You guys have such a dirty sense of humour!"
"PLEASE STOPPPPPP....!!"
All things were said to us as we laughed uncontrollably and painfully, trying desperately not to let the almighty Martha see us. If she did, she didn't acknowledge us, but was probably pissed. If she didn't, well.... I'm lucky to be alive.
So, basically, I went to NYC, went on the Martha Stewart Show, wore yellow, laughed until I cried, almost got kicked out, and won an oven.
But that's not all.
After the show, Chrissy drove us into Chinatown and Little Italy, where we had a nice Italian lunch and then went shopping, where a small Asian women tried to kidnap Chrissy and I by selling us purses. (But I'll have a post about that later.)
Until then, I abruptly end this post.
As always, this is Lónannûniel, signing off.
Strange phobias aside, the trip was...eventful.
At 5 AM, My cousin Chrissy and my Aunt Karen picked up my Mom and I at our house, and we were on our way. I tried to sleep for about an hour, but my mom decided that she was going to sing 'Born This Way' by Lady Gaga every single time it was on the radio, which was, in total, about 7. Within an hour.
Mom: "Baby, I was born this WAAAAAAYYYY!!"
Me: "MOM. SHUT. UP. PLEASE."
Mom: "Silence! Eat your Chex Mix!"
Aunt Karen: "You mean MY Chex Mix..."
Mom: "I'M BEAUTIFUL IN MY WAY, CUZ GOD MAKES NO MISTAKES...!!"
Me: "MOM, STOP!!!"
Chrissy: "ALL OF YOU SHUT THE F**K UP, I'M TRYING TO DRIVE!!"
Jump ahead about 2 agonizing hours of boredom in a tiny car, and we were in the city. What I stupidly forgot to remember as I was getting out of the car with only my leather jacket, was that it was 23 degrees Fahrenheit on that fateful morning.
So, as us three were standing outside the Martha Stewart studio, freezing our butts off in the NYC weather, we watched as Martha's zombie-like crew came outside and tried to make us happy with promises of a heated studio. Y'know what would have made me happy, Martha? Some freaking hot chocolate or some tea. I could care less whether your precious little studio was heated or not, there was another hour before we could even enter the building AND I WANTED SOME DAMNED HOT CHOCOLATE.
But you never fulfilled my request. You decided that our little handsies didn't need some nice knitted mittens, and our little heads didn't need wool caps with eight-dollars-an-ounce glitter and that OUR GROWLING TUMMIES DIDN'T WANT A NICE WARM BEVERAGE.
But, Martha, I am forgiving. So I drew you a picture.
But, as the frigid morning progressed, and our sniffles subsided, you decided--out of the goodness of your Craft Queen heart--that you would permit us entrance to your studio...
...Where we waited for another hour while being 'entertained' by your crew.
We were instructed on how to applaud and respond to the moment correctly when we were on the air...
...Which led to the church giggles.
Yes, the Church Giggles. Everyone gets them. When you're laughing inappropriately hard at an inappropriate time, and you know you have to stop, but whenever you do try to stop, you laugh even harder.
I was the victim of the Church Giggles on the Martha Stewart Show. And it wasn't during a commercial break. It was during the LIVE FREAKING TAPING.
Here's how it happened:
After the first 30 minutes or so on air, everything was going smoothly. We were all enjoying ourselves, Martha was smiling (thankfully) and I saw a guy with an eyepatch. Pretty normal, yeah? No.
Not normal at all.
As the show was coming to a close, Martha decided to bake some salmon in a mini-convectional oven (of which each audience member was sent home with) and we were instructed to say, in unison, "MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM....."
Like that scene in Young Frankenstein, only stupider.
I refused to do it, as did my mother, aunt and cousin, so my aunt Karen decided to give my Mom a look.
Y'know kind of look where you know something's funny, but you don't know if you're the only one that thinks it's hilarious, so you look at someone else for closure, so they start laughing? Yeah. That one.
As my mom and aunt laughed obnoxiously, I tried to get them to stop, which was of no consolation... So I started laughing.
The entire Martha Stewart crew surrounded us like hawks circling road kill.
"SHHH!"
"SHUT UP!"
"Please be quiet, ladies."
"You guys have such a dirty sense of humour!"
"PLEASE STOPPPPPP....!!"
All things were said to us as we laughed uncontrollably and painfully, trying desperately not to let the almighty Martha see us. If she did, she didn't acknowledge us, but was probably pissed. If she didn't, well.... I'm lucky to be alive.
So, basically, I went to NYC, went on the Martha Stewart Show, wore yellow, laughed until I cried, almost got kicked out, and won an oven.
But that's not all.
After the show, Chrissy drove us into Chinatown and Little Italy, where we had a nice Italian lunch and then went shopping, where a small Asian women tried to kidnap Chrissy and I by selling us purses. (But I'll have a post about that later.)
Until then, I abruptly end this post.
As always, this is Lónannûniel, signing off.
