Adventure #1: A Book Signing of sorts...and Sour Gummi Smiles!

         Yeah, see these things? *points up* They're freaking delicious. You can get these dastardly little smiles at the Dollar Store and live in pure bliss for the rest of your life.
          If I were stranded on an island and all I had to eat were these jawns, I'd be happy. Screw time-travelling to the seventies, moving an island, dodging flaming arrows, avoiding polar bears and a queer cloud of black smoke, I DO WHAT I WANT. *snaps fingers*
....To any Lost fan who didn't get that, you have been hereby shunned by me.
          Nevertheless, I have something to share with all of you today. Here, from MY VERY OWN COMPUTER, I am going to spin you a tale of adventure. There'll be thrills! CHILLS! Your very mind will implode from the sheer GREATNESS that is...well, a Book Signing in Philadelphia.
          I live in the 'burbs of the City of Brotherly Love, but I am rarely ever in the city itself. However, last week, a dear friend invited me to accompany her to a book signing at the Philadelphia Free Library. The author in question was the incredibly hysterical Sherman Alexie, the author of The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian. I had read the book a few years ago in my English class, and my friend (We'll call her Nieriel) and I-along with her little brother and his friend- were sent on a quest by our former English teacher to get his copy of the book signed.
         Well, we had to take on the damned quest, then, didn't we? We couldn't deny the man who inspired our love of writing!
         Nieriel's mother picked me up at my Super-Secret Elven Spy Headquarters on her white stallions and our Fellowship tore off into the sunset, galloping wildly into the City of Old.
         We left our old mares in the stables and journeyed off into the cobblestone streets, our Ranger's cloak's billowing behind us as we toured the Cathedral of St. Peter and Paul, took photos around the Franklin Institute, and eventually backtracked to the Library, where Nieriel and I admired the collection Tolkien and Anne Rice novels until one of the miniature Rangers in our Fellowship (namely, Nieriel's brother) summoned us to the ceremony. Unfortunately, as we were ogling the novels in the building, the tiny auditorium filled up with UNWORTHY ORCS, forcing us to migrate upstairs to watch Mr. Alexie's panel on a screen while we sat in uncomfortable metal chairs, which the author pointed out rather bluntly.

Sherman Alexie: "Oh, yeah, I forgot! HI EVERYONE UPSTAIRS!! *waves*"
Audience: *applauds*
SA: "YOU SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN HERE EARLIER! It's SOOOO awesome down here... The chairs are so comfortable! ...AND WE HAVE SNACKS!"

Thank you, Mr. Alexie, for pointing out our tardiness.

Anyway, the panel was, in a word, uproarious. Naturally, Nieriel and I did not expect in the slightest for the panel to be somewhat of a stand-up routine.
Thanks to Mr. Alexie's comedic fodder, there are now EVEN BETTER lame inside jokes between Nieriel and I.
***IF YOU ARE READING THIS, MY FELLOW RANGER, I'M SAYING "MOOSE" EXCEPTIONALLY LOUDLY WITH MY HANDS ON MY HEAD***
As the panel went on within the hour-and-a-half, it seemed to us that Mr. Alexie's humourous attitude was pulling him off track. As he explained how the novel was semi-autobiographical, he began sharing a story about how his grandfather was a hero in the Second World War. Sadly, he died in combat, leaving Mr. Alexie and his family no idea of what he had done for the US. This idea came up a lot during his discussion, and a lot of us wondered why, seeing as it had presumably nothing to do with the novel or his writing career. Then, as the final five minutes approached, Mr. Alexie spun a tale of his appearance on the Oprah Winfrey Show where Oprah herself gave him his grandfather's medals from the war, which none of his family had known about. I could have sworn I saw the author tear up a bit when he finished.

After the panel, as Nieriel and I chilled up our melted hearts by running around looking for a public toilet (and her little brother) we waited in line for about 20 minutes to get our books signed. As we approached the booth, Mr. Alexie smiled, greeted us, and asked who he was signing the book to.
When we told him it was for our former English teacher, he smiled and laughed, saying, "Woah, cool. Sounds like a rock-star name." He then signed it and looked at my glow in the dark Frankenstein T-Shirt. The conversation was as follows:

SA: "AWESOME SHIRT, Kid. Frankenstein!"
Me: "Oh, thanks, it glows in the dark!"
SA: "NO WAY."
Me: "YES WAY."

Then, I walked a way. (Heh, get it? A way? ......I like puns.....)

Smashing, wouldn't you agree? I think so.
Right.
Good.
On we go.

*ahem*

So concludes the first written adventure of this rabid teen adventurer's blog. More to come soon, so no need to fear! ADVENTURE IS HERE!

...Yes, I realize that was lame. Don't hate.

Until next time, I remain your fledgling Ranger, Lónannûniel.


 

Literary Nostalgia, and reasons why I hate Twilight. (Now with more Sodium!)

SWEET JESUS! MORE SODIUM?!

Yes, more sodium. You need it.

*ahem*

To put it simply, I loathe Twilight.  More than loathe...detest? Abhor? Am allergic to? Whatever the synonym, Twilight is something that I used to adore, but now hate. Why, you ask? Well, I'll tell you. Snuggle up to the fire and grab your steaming mug of chocolate, Anti's, I've got some stories for you.

First of all, I'd like to acknowledge that I did enjoy Twilight once in my short life. During my life in junior high, I enjoyed the series about as much as any other. I had the posters, the shirts, the charms, the books, the DVDs, everything. You name it, I probably had it.
But then I read 'it'.
You know of which novel I speak. The final book.
I have tried to thoroughly wipe the memory of the book title from my mind, so I will refer to it simply as 'Soy Sauce'.
Now, when I first read Soy Sauce, I was jumping with Twi-Hard joy. I'm pretty sure I frightened my eighth grade History teacher to the point where he was ready to send me out into the hall to reflect on my insanity. (Which, in retrospect, he should have done.)
Nonetheless, I was hugging my copy of Soy Sauce close to my bosom for about a week or so, squealing with joy, until Bella's demon spawn was born. (Was she even born? Renesmee burrowed through her Sue of a mother's uterus until her Daddy nommed her out...)
In any case, I was horrified. Soy Sauce completely shattered my opinion on the series...for a while.
I decided to re-read the series to see any of the inaccuracies that I may have (did) miss.
Encountering more than 6 per page, I slugged back to school to explain my hatred to my literary friends. Needless to say, I was walloped on the noggin with a copy of The Outsiders by a dear friend, who had always thought Twilight was vomit-inducing. (Smart lady).

But, to soften your adorable little eyes from reading about my painful past, here's a list of why I hate Shmeyer's so-called 'work'.

15 Reasons why Erin hates Twilight:
1.) Bella Swan is Stephenie Meyer. 'Nuff said.
2.) The amount of spelling, grammatical, and scientific errors is unthinkable. (Sparkles, anyone?)
3.) Edward Cullen is an abusive partner. (Cutting Bella's brakes so she couldn't see her friends? C'mon now.)
4.) Are Bella's parents just oblivious to her actions, or are they just morons? (Her father is Chief of Police, you'd think he'd know where she was half the time!)
5.) Sparkles.
6.) Jacob Black never wears clothing from the waist up.
7.) Bella Swan has set back feminism to the 16th century. (I'm sure her idol is Anne Boleyn. I think Bella would oblige to the guillotine after birthing [?] a female demon spawn, seeing as Eddi-kins would have no male heir, wouldn't you?)
8.) *cough* Sparkles.
9.) Foreshadowing.
10.) The word 'chagrin'.
11.) *cough HACK* Sparkles.
12.) Bella's a hussie.
13.) Does Edward ever shower? Ever? No? Well, there you go.
14.) Nobody cares how Bella makes a grilled cheese sandwich. NOBODY.
15.) I was fool enough to enjoy it as a young'un.

Well, dear readers, there you go. For future safety, please do try not to pick up a copy of Soy Sauce, as it has permanently damaged my already warped psyche.

 Until next time, this is your ever-faithful blogger, signing off. *salutes*