I haven't written in several months, as all of you are aware. The last post I wrote was in April 2012.
Unfortunately, my computer has been in and out of life-support for the past several months, and now it's completely unusable. My school blocks all blogging sites, so I haven't been able to access it there, and I've since borrowed my brother's laptop so I can write once again.
Also, I haven't had much to write about, really.
However, I recently met one of my readers, who just so happens to be my best friend's cousin. While speaking with him, I realized that I really haven't been keeping up to date with this blog, or any of my writing, for that matter.
I've hit a sort of... slump, shall we say. Yes, I've been writing for classes and whatnot, but I just can't get into that zone of sitting down and just writing for hours like I used to. I still have my usual distractions, but usually when I get an idea in my head, I just keep writing and writing until I positively can't anymore. That hasn't hit me in months.
It's not like I don't have time to write. Time is not an issue. I simply have no confidence in the ideas I come up with after I start writing. Will they like it? Will they hate it? This idea sucks. This one's already been done. The references in this are too vague. This isn't good enough.
I can't count how many times I've thought these exact things. It drives me into a pit, and I can't crawl my way out of it. I become paranoid about the littlest of details in my writing, and it drives me even further downwards. I can't put into words how agonizingly frustrating it is to start a ridiculous number of pieces and just deleting them all because of their blatant mediocrity. Even as I write this, the same thoughts are circulating through my mind.
It's honestly one of the most terrifying things I've ever experienced. I'm stuck deep within this pit, and the claw marks upon the walls are my intentions and failed attempts at escaping.
The inherent problem with this is that I really fucking want to write.
I listen to the bands that always give me inspiration, I start to gain ideas, I sit down at my keyboard, and... nothing. I'll type a sentence, delete it. Undo it. Delete it. Write a paragraph. Delete half of it. Re-type it. Delete the entire thing.
It's an endless spiral of bullshit that keeps me from doing what I love. It's that demon on your shoulder, constantly telling you that you're not good enough. Now, as much as I adore playing devil's advocate, allow me to just try and swat away that fucking demon so I can try to continue on with my life.
For now, I've got to learn to swim. This pit is filling up fast as my life goes on, and I won't let myself drown at the bottom.
See ya'll at the top.
