Transvestites, Star Wars, and Bastille Day.

I never thought I would cross the threshold into Death Row. It was atrociously hot, like any other day in July. My heart raced. I feared it might skip a beat.

Stepping through the mouldy, decrepit archway into the fenced-in cell block, one can easily imagine the countless inmates who had walked through the very same archway to await their death.

Murderers.

Rapists.

Theives.

Con-artists.

And me, a sixteen year-old hippy-at-heart, linked arm-in-arm with a friend whose Napoleon Bonaparte finger puppet was her only protection against the spirits and specters that haunt Eastern State Penitentiary's dilapidated halls.

Nieriel and I decided to venture back into Philadelphia last Saturday to witness a re-enactment of the storming of the Bastille at Eastern State Penitentiary. I had never been inside the decrepit, some would say haunted, prison before, so Nieriel's mother decided to let us take the audio tour. Being a resident of the 'burbs of the City of Brotherly Love, I felt like a total toolbag walking around with the stupid radio and headphones, but Steve Buscemi was the narrator, so that made the toolbag-ness deflate to zero. 

Nieriel and I went on our own separate way, and her mother and younger brother went the other way.

Starting outside the prison, in front of working guillotine, no less, we began our adventure.

(I'm the ginger. Nieriel's the brunette. Her brother is the abnormally tall one.)

When one first sets foot inside of the first maximum security prison in the States, you immediately get slapped in the face with a sense of uneasiness. Not only because of the thought of how many people once walked through these halls, but of the fact that the cells are just as they were so very long ago: Cold, dark, damp, and very, very scary.


This picture proves how powerful the flash from a camera is; This cell had no skylight and/or any source of light at all.
Unlike the cell above, most of the cells inside Eastern State have a total of 5 things:
Cot
Toilet
Skylight
Bible (Or other book for entertainment, depending on the prisoner)
Cell door

If I had a choice of being decapitated with a guillotine, being eaten by the Shelob, and being stuck in that cell, I'd choose the guillotine. (Which you can see in the background of the first picture.) :D

While we barreled down the many different cell blocks of the prison, Nieriel and I had our fill of creepiness after a few hours of listening to Steve Buscemi drone on and on about Al Capone and other notable inmates. While that was interesting and all, we didn't come to learn about the prison.
We came to storm, bitches.



Eastern State Penitentiary was modeled after the French Bastille, so, logically, the entire populace of the Museum District of Philadelphia acts out the Storming of the Bastille from the French Revolution every summer, complete with Imperial Storm Troopers, Darth Vader, Boba Fett, and a Transvestite.
Yes.
You read that correctly.

After our tour, Nieriel's mom got us some pizza, and we fueled ourselves for an evening of yelling at Marie Antoinette, .
(And Lil' Napoleon was with us, too.)

Aren't we just ADORABLE?! *violent twitch*

After about an hour or so of prancing around the vendor tents, petting the occasional friendly dog, yelling random spew in what little French Nieriel and I know, playing my ocarina, and taking a gratuitous amount of pictures, the Storming began.
Now, for those of you brilliant, BRILLIANT snowflakes who have no idea who/what Marie Antoinette/The French Revolution is, here's a brief synopsis:
Marie Antoinette was fourteen when she took place on the throne in Versailles in 1774, declaring herself queen when her husband, the chubby and quite stupid Louis XVI took place as King. The people of France were initially charmed by her beauty and wild personality when she first took to the throne. But as time progressed, and so did the brutal winters, the peasants of France began to accuse the promiscuous Queen, or 'The Austrian', as they called her, of 'fornicating with the enemy' so to speak, as she harboured sympathies for her native country of Austria, whom France did not dwell with positively.
The Bastille, which was the symbol of Noble and Royal Hierarchy in France, harboured only seven inmates when the storming took place on the morning of July 11th, 1789, but the sheer impact of the destruction of the prison symbolizes the beginning of the Revolution. (Hence the name, 'Bastille Day').

Natives of Philadelphia, however, decided that this was the perfect reason to fuse comedy with history and give you this:

Marie Antoinette, standing atop Eastern State Penitentiary, with Imperial Storm Troopers, Boba Fett, and Darth Vader.

(Did I mention she rained Tastykakes down from the sky while screaming "LET THEM EAT CAKE!"?
Nieriel cringed as this happened, and no sooner had I mocked her for doing so that a Butterscotch Krimpet smacked me right between the eyes, accompanied by a shout of "GAH, MOTHER F**KER!!" by me. I received applause.)

A Transvestite narrated Marie's kidnapping from the prison, (I'm not kidding) and led her to the dreaded guillotine. Tastykakes littered the streets, and a young child decided to lob one at the Tranny. He stopped in mid-sentence and called out, "YOU'RE NEXT!". (Might I add that this man pulled off a skimpy black dress and stiletto heels quite well.)
Tranny man led Marie to the guillotine and read the Queen what could happen to her head, if the crowd so desired her fate. We so decided.
A watermelon was chopped in half to test, and Marie's fate was imminent...
Except we couldn't really chop off her head.
The Tranny sentenced her to be Arnold Schwarzenegger's House Maid, instead. (Not much better than getting decapitated, if you ask me.)
 

After the performance, Nieriel and I decided to snap some photos of Marie's posse.
(Again, Nieriel's on the left, I'm on the right. My hair is particularly red in this one...)

One with a Stormtrooper....


And one with Darth himself. Notice our happiness.

And with these snapshots, I leave you for now, my lovelies.

As always...and with just enough wit, I remain
                                                                              --Lónannûniel