Literary Nostalgia, and reasons why I hate Twilight. (Now with more Sodium!)

SWEET JESUS! MORE SODIUM?!

Yes, more sodium. You need it.

*ahem*

To put it simply, I loathe Twilight.  More than loathe...detest? Abhor? Am allergic to? Whatever the synonym, Twilight is something that I used to adore, but now hate. Why, you ask? Well, I'll tell you. Snuggle up to the fire and grab your steaming mug of chocolate, Anti's, I've got some stories for you.

First of all, I'd like to acknowledge that I did enjoy Twilight once in my short life. During my life in junior high, I enjoyed the series about as much as any other. I had the posters, the shirts, the charms, the books, the DVDs, everything. You name it, I probably had it.
But then I read 'it'.
You know of which novel I speak. The final book.
I have tried to thoroughly wipe the memory of the book title from my mind, so I will refer to it simply as 'Soy Sauce'.
Now, when I first read Soy Sauce, I was jumping with Twi-Hard joy. I'm pretty sure I frightened my eighth grade History teacher to the point where he was ready to send me out into the hall to reflect on my insanity. (Which, in retrospect, he should have done.)
Nonetheless, I was hugging my copy of Soy Sauce close to my bosom for about a week or so, squealing with joy, until Bella's demon spawn was born. (Was she even born? Renesmee burrowed through her Sue of a mother's uterus until her Daddy nommed her out...)
In any case, I was horrified. Soy Sauce completely shattered my opinion on the series...for a while.
I decided to re-read the series to see any of the inaccuracies that I may have (did) miss.
Encountering more than 6 per page, I slugged back to school to explain my hatred to my literary friends. Needless to say, I was walloped on the noggin with a copy of The Outsiders by a dear friend, who had always thought Twilight was vomit-inducing. (Smart lady).

But, to soften your adorable little eyes from reading about my painful past, here's a list of why I hate Shmeyer's so-called 'work'.

15 Reasons why Erin hates Twilight:
1.) Bella Swan is Stephenie Meyer. 'Nuff said.
2.) The amount of spelling, grammatical, and scientific errors is unthinkable. (Sparkles, anyone?)
3.) Edward Cullen is an abusive partner. (Cutting Bella's brakes so she couldn't see her friends? C'mon now.)
4.) Are Bella's parents just oblivious to her actions, or are they just morons? (Her father is Chief of Police, you'd think he'd know where she was half the time!)
5.) Sparkles.
6.) Jacob Black never wears clothing from the waist up.
7.) Bella Swan has set back feminism to the 16th century. (I'm sure her idol is Anne Boleyn. I think Bella would oblige to the guillotine after birthing [?] a female demon spawn, seeing as Eddi-kins would have no male heir, wouldn't you?)
8.) *cough* Sparkles.
9.) Foreshadowing.
10.) The word 'chagrin'.
11.) *cough HACK* Sparkles.
12.) Bella's a hussie.
13.) Does Edward ever shower? Ever? No? Well, there you go.
14.) Nobody cares how Bella makes a grilled cheese sandwich. NOBODY.
15.) I was fool enough to enjoy it as a young'un.

Well, dear readers, there you go. For future safety, please do try not to pick up a copy of Soy Sauce, as it has permanently damaged my already warped psyche.

 Until next time, this is your ever-faithful blogger, signing off. *salutes*